shikarius:

Dad’s gotten 1000% better talking about periods since we started using Shark Week euphemisms:

"Ah, it’s Shark Week?" = "Ah, you started your period?"

"Harpoons on deck?" = "Do you have enough pads/tampons/etc?"

"Chum stocks are holding?" = "Do you need chocolate/midol?"

"Supplies are low cap’n" = "Yes, please."

"What kind (of shark) is it?" = "How do you feel?"

  • "It’s a Nurse Shark" = "I’m fine/not bad"
  • "GREAT WHITE OFF THE STARBOARD BOW" = "FUCKING OW"

forgivenessisourtorch:

Can we just talk about the movie Shrek for a second here?

Here we see the three bears in a cage, the baby bear is crying that it’s too small.image 
Now, back at Shreks swamp we see the baby bear still crying to his father, yet he’s not in a cage, Where’s his mother?image

Later on, it shows Lord Farquaads castle and it shows the Mother bear skinned and turned into a rug.image

 Lord Farquaad SKINNED AND TURNED THE MOTHER BEAR INTO A RUG. 
THAT’S WHY THE BABY BEAR IS STILL CRYING.

unamusedsloth:

Nude Portraits series by photographer Trevor Christensen

gookgod:

cameoamalthea:

the-dragonblades-shadow:

sizvideos:

Video

//This began the rise of Aperture Science.

BUT GUYS!

What if we used this to coat foam cosplay weapons and armor? 

what if i sprayed this on my dick while i was hard. i would have the eternal wood

(Source: sizvideos)

merrymacaron:

caffeinatedcrafting:

Who says you need to order carry out for fried rice?

Ingredients:

  • 1/2 Cup brown whole grain rice
  • Onion, Diced
  • Carrots, Diced
  • 1 Egg
  • Olive Oil
  • Soy Sauce
  • Vinegar

Instructions:

  • Steam Rice for 45 min, add a little bit of vinegar with the water to make sticky
  • Dice veggies, throw  into pan with oil
  • Throw on rice and cake down
  • Cook for 4-5 min on medium-high heat
  • Flip/Mix Rice
  • Cook for another 4-5 min
  • Move the rice over for the scrambled egg, dice and mix as the egg cooks
  • Throw on soy sauce, let simmer for ~30-45 seconds
  • Eat :3

LET ME TELL YOU A THING IM THE BEST AT FRIED RICE! IM THE MOTHERFUCKING KING OF FRIED RICE!

evilscientist:

teacher: your homework will only have 4 problems!

homework: 1a 1b 1c 1d 1e 2a 2b 2c 2d 2e 3a 3b 3c 3d 3e 4a 4b 4c 4d 4e

4rianagrande:

i hope u find someone that mindlessly plays with your hands and lightly strokes your legs and massages your back and plays with your hair and i hope that u feel like you’re home when u look at them

southpauz:

True story.

When I was in 2nd grade, there was this 5th grade boy (who was also my brother’s best friend) who I had the biggest crush on.

One day when we were at the bus stop, he threw a snowball at me. I wanted to be cute and throw one back at him, but the bus showed up before I could throw it at him.

I made the most genius decision to hide it behind my hands and throw it at him when he walked onto the bus.

I chucked a snowball at him.

Unbeknownst to me, the snowball had an enormous chunk of ice in the middle of it.

He went to the nurse and I went to the Principal’s office for the first time in my life.

I was so pitiful that my Principal let me go without any punishments.

Long story short: I CAN’T FLIRT.