Dad’s gotten 1000% better talking about periods since we started using Shark Week euphemisms:
"Ah, it’s Shark Week?" = "Ah, you started your period?"
"Harpoons on deck?" = "Do you have enough pads/tampons/etc?"
"Chum stocks are holding?" = "Do you need chocolate/midol?"
"Supplies are low cap’n" = "Yes, please."
"What kind (of shark) is it?" = "How do you feel?"
- "It’s a Nurse Shark" = "I’m fine/not bad"
- "GREAT WHITE OFF THE STARBOARD BOW" = "FUCKING OW"
Can we just talk about the movie Shrek for a second here?
Here we see the three bears in a cage, the baby bear is crying that it’s too small.
Now, back at Shreks swamp we see the baby bear still crying to his father, yet he’s not in a cage, Where’s his mother?
Later on, it shows Lord Farquaads castle and it shows the Mother bear skinned and turned into a rug.
Lord Farquaad SKINNED AND TURNED THE MOTHER BEAR INTO A RUG.
THAT’S WHY THE BABY BEAR IS STILL CRYING.
Who says you need to order carry out for fried rice?
- 1/2 Cup brown whole grain rice
- Onion, Diced
- Carrots, Diced
- 1 Egg
- Olive Oil
- Soy Sauce
- Steam Rice for 45 min, add a little bit of vinegar with the water to make sticky
- Dice veggies, throw into pan with oil
- Throw on rice and cake down
- Cook for 4-5 min on medium-high heat
- Flip/Mix Rice
- Cook for another 4-5 min
- Move the rice over for the scrambled egg, dice and mix as the egg cooks
- Throw on soy sauce, let simmer for ~30-45 seconds
- Eat :3
LET ME TELL YOU A THING IM THE BEST AT FRIED RICE! IM THE MOTHERFUCKING KING OF FRIED RICE!
teacher: your homework will only have 4 problems!
homework: 1a 1b 1c 1d 1e 2a 2b 2c 2d 2e 3a 3b 3c 3d 3e 4a 4b 4c 4d 4e
i hope u find someone that mindlessly plays with your hands and lightly strokes your legs and massages your back and plays with your hair and i hope that u feel like you’re home when u look at them
When I was in 2nd grade, there was this 5th grade boy (who was also my brother’s best friend) who I had the biggest crush on.
One day when we were at the bus stop, he threw a snowball at me. I wanted to be cute and throw one back at him, but the bus showed up before I could throw it at him.
I made the most genius decision to hide it behind my hands and throw it at him when he walked onto the bus.
I chucked a snowball at him.
Unbeknownst to me, the snowball had an enormous chunk of ice in the middle of it.
He went to the nurse and I went to the Principal’s office for the first time in my life.
I was so pitiful that my Principal let me go without any punishments.
Long story short: I CAN’T FLIRT.